grace.

Now here's a totally mindblowing concept. I'm somewhat hesitant to write on this topic, just because I don't think even the most eloquent of bloggers could capture what grace actually means. I don't want to miss anything out or use the wrong word that fails to convey what exactly it is I'm trying to say. In fact, I'm not entirely sure how to begin saying what I want to say.

Grace. If you're not completely amazed by it then I don't think you really understand it. Grace, as defined by my Bible glossary is unmerited favour, unearned benefit, undeserved kindness. God's amazing gift of forgiveness of sins and power to live with dignity in the present and with hope for the future.
Grace is AMAZING. It's like one day winning $20 million in the lottery and saying, "But...I didn't even buy a ticket..." It's like getting 99.95 in VCE and not even studying. But better.

Grace totally baffles my mind. I have stuffed up SO MANY times in my life. Lots of minor things, also lots of major things. I know I'm so far from perfect sometimes it's hard not to get smothered by all my failures and shortcomings. But then I think about God's unmerited favour, His unearned benefit, and undeserved kindness in my life and I'm like, wow. I think of all the blessings He has poured into my life - house, food, nuclear family, a job, education, my friends at uni, friends at youth... Things I definitely don't deserve even if only because of all the times I've taken them for granted.

God, why would you love me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Nothing. What could I ever do to repay You? Nothing. Then why do You love me so much? I created you for Myself. So just relax and let Me love you.

I can't imagine living life without God's grace. Must be horrible. Thinking that you need to make it on your own, that you need to be good or do good in order to be someone with a secure place in heaven. But you can't. It's not possible. Firstly, why would you believe in heaven and not God, and if you do believe in both heaven and God then what god exactly is it that you believe in because grace is an inherent part of God's character. Secondly, if you don't believe in God but still think that you need to 'be good' to get to heaven, then where exactly did you find your standard of 'good'? I don't belive our morals and sense of right and wrong could have possibly arisen from evolution. If that were the case then why is rape such a heinous crime?

I suppose most people fall into one of three categories: those who think they don't need grace, those who know they need grace but feel too far out of reach, and those who know they need grace and embrace it.

For a long time I fell into that second category. I'm actually a very insecure girl for all sorts of reasons (but working on it). Being 'too far out of reach' was one of those things I felt I just needed to deal with and live with, because I felt so messed up that I didn't see why anyone, let alone the God of the universe, would want to have anything to do with me. These thoughts and feelings sort of governed my life for a few years, they affected my schoolwork, relationships, everything. It was pretty depressing, in case you didn't guess.
But now - now everything is not perfect. I'm possibly still as messed up and insecure as I was before. But now I can have hope that there is something better for me out there, that I'm not too far out of reach, or too messed up to love. I believe now that despite all my flaws and failures, God loves me for who I am and His grace and mercy extends even to people like me. And you :)

vertically challenged.

It's no secret that my height borders on the lower end of the scale. And I'm certainly not oblivious to the fact, as I'm constantly reminded by all my friends everywhere I go. I never really had a problem with my size; being small has its benefits (for example, a smaller target for snipers). But now I'm 19 years old, approximately 153cm tall, and in second year uni, surrounded by friends who (needless to say) are all taller than me and who also think that's funny. Admittedly, sometimes it is funny when they manage to come up with the (very) occasional original joke. But a lot of the time the jokes aren't quite all that witty and I do get tired of trying to laugh at them.

My point is that after a while of being teased and bagged about my size, I do start to wonder if there's something wrong with being small. Firstly, can I say that I myself am most likely guilty of the very thing that I'm complaining about in this post. And the very thing that I'm complaining about is the mindset that there is something wrong with being small. It's not conscious or deliberate as far as I can tell, but it's obvious that there is some sort of subconscious notion that being short is, well, wrong. To prove my point a little, you never hear someone saying, "Look! He's so average height! LOL!!"
Joking, as my eng lang buddies Rachel and Stair will confirm, identifies the social norm. As I've tried to demonstrate in the above example, we don't joke about things that we consider normal - "And he was HETEROSEXUAL!!! HahahaHAAAA!!" Therefore, what we do joke about, tends to be the things we think of as out of the ordinary or socially unacceptable. I don't hear Malaysians born in Malaysia joking about how they squat on the side of the road because that's normal and acceptable for them. For Australians, on the other hand, even Australian born Malaysians, this is a different story.

Can I just say here, I really don't see what's wrong with being small. And if there's nothing wrong with it, why is it so funny? Feel free to explain to me if you have an answer.
It's true that studies have shown that taller people get paid higher on average. But why is that? I think here we have primitive instinct at work, the subconscious idea that greater height is still desirable. May I remind everyone that size no longer determines one's ability to hunt for wilderbeest and other prey, most likely because we don't usually hunt wilderbeest and other prey anymore. In fact, my height is probably more conducive to catching a chicken than yours. So I win. Take THAT, you socially unacceptable tall person!! Height does not affect one's ability to work efficiently (unless one's work is stacking shelves or some other grunt work like that).

One other thing related to height that irks me is how people stereotype even my personality because I'm small. Just because I'm 153cm DOES NOT mean I can't and won't slap you if you annoy me. Just because I'm this size DOES NOT mean you can boss me around and I'll just stand there quietly in submission. Just because you're twice my height doesn't mean you can intimidate me - remember, you towering over me just makes it easier for me to kick you in the groin if you piss me off. Why are people surprised when I'm loud? Does my being small mean I'm meant to be quiet and shy? Well, sorry to disappoint.

I don't expect people to stop bagging me about my height just because I've written this post and I'm not overly upset. Another thing about joking is that you only joke with friends with whom you're comfortable enough. The point I'm trying to get across is that there's an underlying notion that there's something wrong or socially abnormal with being small and people think that I can be pushed around and bullied just because I'm this size. This post is just to try to make people aware of this phenomenon. If you want to call it a phenomenon, you heterosexual, average sized, Caucasian middle-class male. I laugh and mock you.

private and confidential.

At what point is it acceptable to break confidentiality? And since confidentiality and trust are so intertwined, at what point is it acceptable to break trust?

Confidentiality is really important to me, for some unknown reason. Maybe because I've had so many problems with it in the (relatively) recent past. And for some other unknown reason, all the issues with breaking trust and confidentiality that I've had have been with leaders at my church/youth. Why is that? I guess it's because I trusted them enough to share with them, trust that may/may not have been sorely misplaced. And I suppose that's the question - to what extent is it reasonable to keep someone's secrets that they've entrusted to you? And after they've broken that trust, is it unreasonable or considered unforgiving to never ever trust them again?

For a more lighthearted example, in year 5, I had a crush on a boy the year above me in our composite 5/6 class. So I told my best friend that I liked him. To set the scene a bit, me and this friend were inseparable. Our teachers always got us confused (apparently we looked the same), I was Tweedle Dee and she was Tweedle Dum. Or maybe I was Tweedle Dum and she was Tweedle Dee, I don't remember. The point is, we were best best friends.
I don't know how much time passed between then, but one day I found out that she had told one of the girls that he hung out with, and it was a bit of a joke in their circle. It's a horrible feeling, realising that your secrets have been leaked. I didn't talk to that friend for a while, just sort of sat by myself during lunch, or hung out with other grade 5 girls.
I don't think the rift took too long to heal, though. We're still pretty good friends now though we don't get to hang out as much because we go to different universities. And it was a somewhat petty matter (though not petty at the time).

For a less lighthearted and more recent example, a few years ago I shared with my youth leader something that I was struggling with. That sort of set off a whole cascade of messed up-ness. He told another youth leader, and then an older girl at church who was supposed to follow up on me (she didn't), told the pastor, they both told my parents (incidentally on the same day he said he wouldn't tell them). There was just a lot of telling behind my back. And it was only after a lot of lying on the part of the teller did I finally find out that it had been told. Recently found out that there has still been some telling going on, again within the youth leadership. Not sure who my parents have told. Not really sure who knows at all now. (I know it sounds like the issue is really serious - it's not). But the principle (and question) remains - to break trust and confidentiality, or not to break trust and confidentiality?

In light of the revelation of the recent tellings, I'm not really sure how to respond. On one hand I sort of feel a bit angry that I've been stripped of my privacy and my right to tell only the people I want to know. On the other hand I know that people didn't tell others out of malicious intent but I do wish that the church leadership could learn to keep confidentiality. I do have issues with trust now. I'm tired of sharing with certain people, then suddenly everyone else knows. It's not necessary that so many people know just for the sake of knowing. When I tell someone what's happening or what I'm struggling with, either it's because I'm asking for help, or I'm trying to help them (like if I'm trying to empathise with someone or give advice). I'm not asking for them to pass the information around to people they think could help or people they think should know. I'd like to hang on to my right to share my own secrets rather than have others share them for me.
Sounds like I've decided to be angry, doesn't it.

Obviously there must be some limit to confidentiality. If you have a friend who has told you of plans to murder someone, please do tell.
I think in some cases it boils down to the rights of the person to act on their own will. If your friend tells you she's going to elope with someone, I don't think it's acceptable to tell her parents. Her choices are her choices, it's not your responsibility to mess things up for her. I guess it could be argued that it's her parents' right to know. But it's also her right to carry out her own decisions. And I suppose it's also her right to run away with this guy. Gah! It's so complicated.
But I'm also sure that we don't care for someone for no reason. I guess when you care for someone and they're about to/are doing something wrong, there's an urge to intervene. That urge must be there for a reason. Does that mean that our innate, God-given sense of morality makes it acceptable to break confidentiality every once in a while? Has postmodernism and 'enlightened' thinking warped our morality? Think of all the rights we now fight for - euthanasia, abortion, homosexual marriage... Even the church itself is divided on these issues. But at what point does the argument of 'rights' become irrelevant because our morality has found solid ground on certain issues? Do we only stop at paedophilia and civillian casualities? Or do we hold fast to values and ethics that are now considered 'old fashioned'. Where did those values come from anyway? God. And why did we start with those values, rather than begin with the right of same-sex marriage and then progress to condemning it? Because God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, and now the world has warped us. On the other hand, I don't think anyone disagrees with the development of women's rights. It's all very confusing. I'm not a sociologist. Or a historian. Or even an optometrist.

Anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked. The point of this blog entry is confidentiality. And to be honest, I'm still divided on the issue of where the boundaries lie with it.
I guess I can only conclude that it's not a pleasant feeling to know that you shared something with someone you trusted, but they broke your trust and told other people for whatever reason. In a lot of situations the reason doesn't remedy the act. I still would find it difficult to trust that person. Personally I don't think it's unreasonable to forever distrust that person with any further secrets. ('Secrets' is such a dramatic word but I can't think of anything else). But forgiveness is something else entirely. I may not trust that person anymore, but I don't wish them any ill-will, I don't hate them, I would help them if they needed it. I just don't trust them.
Maybe something that would help (would have helped for me), would be to get permission from the person before telling others. If you're concerned for the person and feel like you need to tell someone else, talk to them first about it (can I stress the first). Perhaps a solution can be reached before you need to break confidentiality. Perhaps it would be a whole lot better and would 'soften the blow', so to speak, for you to explain why you need to tell someone and you're not doing it just because you can't shut up.

So despite this lengthy entry, the line remains blurred as to when it is or isn't acceptable to break trust and confidentiality. For me, confidentiality is v. important. But I guess for others, not so much.

leader.

This has been playing on my mind for a while now. What makes a good (Christian) leader? There's enough material on this subject to write hundreds of books on leadership (as evidenced by the hundreds of books on leadership available) but the following is a mix of what I've read on leadership, what I've seen in leaders I respect, and what I've learnt from leaders that I struggle to respect. I'm obviously no authority on leadership by any stretch of the imagination, but here are my thoughts. And here I will also take the liberty (granted by Jessica Smith) to demand and expect more from my leaders :P

One my pet hates is hypocrisy. Worst thing is that I've probably been guilty of it myself too many times to count. (I'm working on it). But here's the thing - I cannot respect a hypocritical leader. How dare you tell me to love others yet I see you treating other people like they're worth nothing? Integrity, to me, is one of the most important characteristics in a leader. I struggle to respect and follow a 'leader' who tells me to do one thing, yet I see them doing the exact opposite. I encountered this most unfortunate flaw in one of my youth leaders several years ago. Her instruction to wear skirts/shorts no higher than the knee to church or youth because it was inappropriate and may cause the boys to ...think impure thoughts, was completely blown to pieces when she turned up to youth in short shorts, and to a church Christmas function in a tiny little dress. I've also had issues with being warned not to gossip and to speak to HER if I had any issues about what she had said to me previously, only to hear about that very person throwing a tantrum behind my back about what I had said to HER previously. (Incidentally, it was the same leader).
A leader needs to have the highest possible standard of integrity. Not only because of how much you mess up your followers when you fail to practise what you preach, but because God Himself holds you to a higher standard. Mark 9:42 says, "If anyone causes one of these little ones - those who believe in me - to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea." People will NOT follow or respect a leader who says one thing but does another.

Another very important trait of a Christian leader is the ability to be a shepherd and exercise pastoral care. Jesus tells Peter in John 21:17, "Feed my sheep." With the world and the church in the state they are now, we need more than ever to LOVE each other enough to not pass by a broken heart. I've been told that sheep are very dumb animals, unable to fend for themselves, vulnerable at the best of times. Obviously humans aren't this dumb, but we need strong leaders that love us, are able to build relationships with us, are able to hold us accountable, and able to communicate effectively. A few of the leaders in my life that have hurt me, possibly the most, are those who knew I was struggling with something, yet did nothing about it. It can be so damaging to someone's self worth if a leader who is meant to take care of them, knows they're hurting, yet pretends like nothing is happening. It was certainly damaging to mine. Am I not important enough for them to want to help me? Is something wrong with me? It's possible they were praying for me, and yes, prayer changes things, but it would have been so much easier for me to overcome my battles if they were actually there with me, asking how I was going, being available for me to talk to when I needed. The leaders I respect now are those that take a genuine interest in my life and my struggles, even the things I don't struggle with (like study). Jessica Smith said that 'shepherds always smell of sheep'. A leader needs to be involved in the lives of their people, having meaningful relationships with them, being supportive and encouraging always.

On that note of building relationships, I know that it's not going to be as easy to build a deep and meaningful relationship with one person as it is with another. Personality differences, distrust and guardedness, underlying issues can make it difficult to get close enough to someone to pastor them. I suppose if personality clashes are an issue, pass them on to another leader if possible. But I think that the best way to break down someone's walls is to love them. In the interests of keeping this blog entry under thesis proportions, I'll not harp on about love here. But it's so important that a leader love his/her 'sheep'. Bram Manusama says that a leader is not fit to lead a people he doesn't love. So I suppose if you don't genuienly love me (and show it), then don't assume that when you look behind I'll be following you. I don't know how else to say it. A leader needs to love their people.
This also leads into the concept of servant leadership, the prime example being Jesus himself. In John 13, Jesus washes his disciples' feet. All throughout the gospels we read of Jesus performing miracles, which can be considered as a service to the broken and needy around him. A leader sees the needs of the people and rises up to meet the need (within limits, of course. It would be somewhat unreasonable to expect your leader to buy you a house).

This entry is getting rather lengthy; I think I'll stop here. There's definitely more to say about this subject but I'll save it for another day.