private and confidential.

At what point is it acceptable to break confidentiality? And since confidentiality and trust are so intertwined, at what point is it acceptable to break trust?

Confidentiality is really important to me, for some unknown reason. Maybe because I've had so many problems with it in the (relatively) recent past. And for some other unknown reason, all the issues with breaking trust and confidentiality that I've had have been with leaders at my church/youth. Why is that? I guess it's because I trusted them enough to share with them, trust that may/may not have been sorely misplaced. And I suppose that's the question - to what extent is it reasonable to keep someone's secrets that they've entrusted to you? And after they've broken that trust, is it unreasonable or considered unforgiving to never ever trust them again?

For a more lighthearted example, in year 5, I had a crush on a boy the year above me in our composite 5/6 class. So I told my best friend that I liked him. To set the scene a bit, me and this friend were inseparable. Our teachers always got us confused (apparently we looked the same), I was Tweedle Dee and she was Tweedle Dum. Or maybe I was Tweedle Dum and she was Tweedle Dee, I don't remember. The point is, we were best best friends.
I don't know how much time passed between then, but one day I found out that she had told one of the girls that he hung out with, and it was a bit of a joke in their circle. It's a horrible feeling, realising that your secrets have been leaked. I didn't talk to that friend for a while, just sort of sat by myself during lunch, or hung out with other grade 5 girls.
I don't think the rift took too long to heal, though. We're still pretty good friends now though we don't get to hang out as much because we go to different universities. And it was a somewhat petty matter (though not petty at the time).

For a less lighthearted and more recent example, a few years ago I shared with my youth leader something that I was struggling with. That sort of set off a whole cascade of messed up-ness. He told another youth leader, and then an older girl at church who was supposed to follow up on me (she didn't), told the pastor, they both told my parents (incidentally on the same day he said he wouldn't tell them). There was just a lot of telling behind my back. And it was only after a lot of lying on the part of the teller did I finally find out that it had been told. Recently found out that there has still been some telling going on, again within the youth leadership. Not sure who my parents have told. Not really sure who knows at all now. (I know it sounds like the issue is really serious - it's not). But the principle (and question) remains - to break trust and confidentiality, or not to break trust and confidentiality?

In light of the revelation of the recent tellings, I'm not really sure how to respond. On one hand I sort of feel a bit angry that I've been stripped of my privacy and my right to tell only the people I want to know. On the other hand I know that people didn't tell others out of malicious intent but I do wish that the church leadership could learn to keep confidentiality. I do have issues with trust now. I'm tired of sharing with certain people, then suddenly everyone else knows. It's not necessary that so many people know just for the sake of knowing. When I tell someone what's happening or what I'm struggling with, either it's because I'm asking for help, or I'm trying to help them (like if I'm trying to empathise with someone or give advice). I'm not asking for them to pass the information around to people they think could help or people they think should know. I'd like to hang on to my right to share my own secrets rather than have others share them for me.
Sounds like I've decided to be angry, doesn't it.

Obviously there must be some limit to confidentiality. If you have a friend who has told you of plans to murder someone, please do tell.
I think in some cases it boils down to the rights of the person to act on their own will. If your friend tells you she's going to elope with someone, I don't think it's acceptable to tell her parents. Her choices are her choices, it's not your responsibility to mess things up for her. I guess it could be argued that it's her parents' right to know. But it's also her right to carry out her own decisions. And I suppose it's also her right to run away with this guy. Gah! It's so complicated.
But I'm also sure that we don't care for someone for no reason. I guess when you care for someone and they're about to/are doing something wrong, there's an urge to intervene. That urge must be there for a reason. Does that mean that our innate, God-given sense of morality makes it acceptable to break confidentiality every once in a while? Has postmodernism and 'enlightened' thinking warped our morality? Think of all the rights we now fight for - euthanasia, abortion, homosexual marriage... Even the church itself is divided on these issues. But at what point does the argument of 'rights' become irrelevant because our morality has found solid ground on certain issues? Do we only stop at paedophilia and civillian casualities? Or do we hold fast to values and ethics that are now considered 'old fashioned'. Where did those values come from anyway? God. And why did we start with those values, rather than begin with the right of same-sex marriage and then progress to condemning it? Because God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, and now the world has warped us. On the other hand, I don't think anyone disagrees with the development of women's rights. It's all very confusing. I'm not a sociologist. Or a historian. Or even an optometrist.

Anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked. The point of this blog entry is confidentiality. And to be honest, I'm still divided on the issue of where the boundaries lie with it.
I guess I can only conclude that it's not a pleasant feeling to know that you shared something with someone you trusted, but they broke your trust and told other people for whatever reason. In a lot of situations the reason doesn't remedy the act. I still would find it difficult to trust that person. Personally I don't think it's unreasonable to forever distrust that person with any further secrets. ('Secrets' is such a dramatic word but I can't think of anything else). But forgiveness is something else entirely. I may not trust that person anymore, but I don't wish them any ill-will, I don't hate them, I would help them if they needed it. I just don't trust them.
Maybe something that would help (would have helped for me), would be to get permission from the person before telling others. If you're concerned for the person and feel like you need to tell someone else, talk to them first about it (can I stress the first). Perhaps a solution can be reached before you need to break confidentiality. Perhaps it would be a whole lot better and would 'soften the blow', so to speak, for you to explain why you need to tell someone and you're not doing it just because you can't shut up.

So despite this lengthy entry, the line remains blurred as to when it is or isn't acceptable to break trust and confidentiality. For me, confidentiality is v. important. But I guess for others, not so much.