Captivating.

by John and Stasi Eldredge

I cried when I first read this book. I'd start reading it then start crying. Then eventually I'd put it down because I had other things I needed to do. But then I'd pick it up again and start crying all over again. Perhaps I was just really emotionally unstable at the time. But then when I read it again about a year later, I think I cried in some parts again. And then when I read it again a few weeks ago I didn't cry, so I guess I'm less unstable now. But anyway.

The title says Captivating ... unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul. I suppose that's a pretty big claim to make, to say that this book you're holding unveils the mystery of a woman's soul. I tend to be a bit skeptical about books for women or men, just because I feel they generalise too much, or are prone to stereotyping, which I don't particularly like. But this is an AMAZING book. And it actually did unveil some mysteries.

We think you'll find that every woman in her heart of heart longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive.

TO BE ROMANCED: Now, being romanced isn't all that a woman wants, and John and I are certainly not saying that a woman ought to derive the meaning of her existence from whether or not she is being romanced by a man... but don't you see that you want this? To be desired, to be pursued by someone who loves you, to be someone's priority? Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced.

OH MY GOODNESS!! When I read this I was like, huh? It's normal? I had NO IDEA! I thought I was just being stupid and unrealistic and caught up in movies and novels. But the desire to be romanced is actually meant to be there. And I'm sort of embarrassed to admit that it most certainly is there. I've lost count of how many times I've written in my diary that I want to be wanted. And I know all too well how crappy it is when it feels like I'm not.
But more than that, as an image-bearer of God (Gen. 1:27), a woman's desire to be wanted and pursued reflects GOD's desire for the very same thing -
I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone... From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point... In other words, "Look for me, pursue me - I want you to pursue me." Amazing.

AN IRREPLACEABLE ROLE IN A GREAT ADVENTURE: ...[Women] were made to be part of a great adventure. An adventure that is shared. We do not want the adventure merely for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others. We don't want to be alone in it; we want to be in it with others. Made in the image of a perfect relationship, we are relational to the core of our beings and filled with a desire for transcendant purpose. We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure.

And here again I find myself struck dumb because that's EXACTLY how I feel. I do want to be an irreplaceable part of SOMETHING. I want to be needed and I want to know that I have something that only I can offer, and should I find anywhere that needs it, I would offer it immediately. (Again, I'm sort of embarrassed to be admitting this). In the book it talks about the translation of Gen. 2:18 - "It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him an [ezer kenegdo]". Hebrew scholar Robert Alter... says this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate". The various attempts we have in English are 'helper' or 'companion' or the notorious 'help meet'...What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing "One day I shall be a help meet"? Alter is getting close when he translates it 'sustainer beside him'. The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.
I think the point is, that you ARE needed desperately. And you DO have an irreplaceable role to play.

BEAUTY TO UNVEIL: For now, don't you recognise that a woman yearns to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating? We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.
But in order to make the matter perfectly clear, God has given us Eve. The crowning touch of creation. Beauty is the essence of a woman... Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimise it too, or overspiritualise it, making it all about 'character'.

Ouch. These were the most painful chapters for me to read. The book says that all women long for a beauty to unveil, and that this desire is part of her design. When I read this I was like, oh no. I'm SCREWED. Beauty to unveil? Beauty? What beauty?!! Sure I want it, of COURSE I wish I had a beauty to unveil. Just not so sure I have it. Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its very essence. Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can: Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. Beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation.

This is just a very brief overview of the book. I can lend it to you if you'd like. I think guys should also read it, because it also mentions the heart of a man and his role in the world, also how he is meant to relate to the women in his life. (Note that this is not a book to help you get a girlfriend.)
Girls, I highly recommend this book to you, because it will help you understand some important truths about yourself. It's actually okay to want to be wanted. And yes, you are actually beautiful. And yes, you do have something to offer this world that only you can offer.

Jesus is extending his hand to you. He is inviting you to dance with him. He asks, "May I have this dance... every day of your life?" His gaze is fixed on you. He is captivated by your beauty. He is smiling. He cares nothing for the opinion of others. He is standing. He will lead. He waits for your response.

grace.

Now here's a totally mindblowing concept. I'm somewhat hesitant to write on this topic, just because I don't think even the most eloquent of bloggers could capture what grace actually means. I don't want to miss anything out or use the wrong word that fails to convey what exactly it is I'm trying to say. In fact, I'm not entirely sure how to begin saying what I want to say.

Grace. If you're not completely amazed by it then I don't think you really understand it. Grace, as defined by my Bible glossary is unmerited favour, unearned benefit, undeserved kindness. God's amazing gift of forgiveness of sins and power to live with dignity in the present and with hope for the future.
Grace is AMAZING. It's like one day winning $20 million in the lottery and saying, "But...I didn't even buy a ticket..." It's like getting 99.95 in VCE and not even studying. But better.

Grace totally baffles my mind. I have stuffed up SO MANY times in my life. Lots of minor things, also lots of major things. I know I'm so far from perfect sometimes it's hard not to get smothered by all my failures and shortcomings. But then I think about God's unmerited favour, His unearned benefit, and undeserved kindness in my life and I'm like, wow. I think of all the blessings He has poured into my life - house, food, nuclear family, a job, education, my friends at uni, friends at youth... Things I definitely don't deserve even if only because of all the times I've taken them for granted.

God, why would you love me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Nothing. What could I ever do to repay You? Nothing. Then why do You love me so much? I created you for Myself. So just relax and let Me love you.

I can't imagine living life without God's grace. Must be horrible. Thinking that you need to make it on your own, that you need to be good or do good in order to be someone with a secure place in heaven. But you can't. It's not possible. Firstly, why would you believe in heaven and not God, and if you do believe in both heaven and God then what god exactly is it that you believe in because grace is an inherent part of God's character. Secondly, if you don't believe in God but still think that you need to 'be good' to get to heaven, then where exactly did you find your standard of 'good'? I don't belive our morals and sense of right and wrong could have possibly arisen from evolution. If that were the case then why is rape such a heinous crime?

I suppose most people fall into one of three categories: those who think they don't need grace, those who know they need grace but feel too far out of reach, and those who know they need grace and embrace it.

For a long time I fell into that second category. I'm actually a very insecure girl for all sorts of reasons (but working on it). Being 'too far out of reach' was one of those things I felt I just needed to deal with and live with, because I felt so messed up that I didn't see why anyone, let alone the God of the universe, would want to have anything to do with me. These thoughts and feelings sort of governed my life for a few years, they affected my schoolwork, relationships, everything. It was pretty depressing, in case you didn't guess.
But now - now everything is not perfect. I'm possibly still as messed up and insecure as I was before. But now I can have hope that there is something better for me out there, that I'm not too far out of reach, or too messed up to love. I believe now that despite all my flaws and failures, God loves me for who I am and His grace and mercy extends even to people like me. And you :)

counselling 101

I'm not a counsellor. Never have been, but I have counselled people before in a very nonprofessional, fumbling for words kind of way. Most of what I'm going to write here is common sense, personal experience, and what I've learnt from Manifest rally. The rest of it that isn't common sense, personal experience, or what I've learnt from Manifest rally is just nonsense and you would do well to ignore it :)

• the key to bringing someone out of their struggles is to love them out. People aren't stupid (though we all know stupidity comes in varying degrees), most of them can tell when you're being genuine and you really love them, and when you're just putting on a show or doing something out of duty. When you have no idea what to say and the person is sobbing into your shoulder, just tell them honestly that you love them. I guarantee you they'll start crying harder (but a good sort of crying now). It makes a world of difference when you're at rock bottom and someone tells you they love you and they genuinely care and want to be there for you even when they have no clue what they're doing.
• consistently and regularly follow up on them. (This is one of my own ideas). I don't think there's much point in a one-off heart-to-heart then they never hear from you again. It would be a manifestation of your love and heart towards them if you made the effort to call or sms them, even meet up with them in person. I've had too many experiences in my time where I've heard "I want to help you and be there for you." And then I never hear from them again and I'm like, "err...what just happened? Did I do something wrong?" Let me tell you now, it DOES NOT help to start counselling someone then not follow up on it. In fact, it may make things worse because the person may end up feeling like they're not worth helping or loving. It's so important to continue to walk with them until they break through.
• listen carefully to them. Empathise and sympathise with them. Validate their feelings. I've found it can be very comforting just to talk it all out to someone who will just listen and not judge or condemn me. I've also found that from listening you may be able to pick out details that will enable you to better help them. Listening will help you to root out the issues. For example, if you're counselling someone for depression and you notice they talk obsessively about food and what they ate that day, that may be a sign of a developing eating disorder (and eating disorders often accompany clinical depression), which should be addressed sooner rather than later. Another scenario is that by listening closely to someone, you may realise that the problem you're counselling them for isn't the actual problem. Perhaps they just want attention (and that's not a joke). But then why do they want attention - this may have deeper issues that need to be rooted out. Perhaps they were neglected as a kid, and had some overachieving older sibling. Or a needy, bratty, little younger sibling.
  
• ask questions. Of course this needs to be done with sensitivity. Some questions may be in touchy areas or dredge up distressing memories that needn't be brought up at that moment. On the other hand sometimes the person may just need to be confronted in order to get it out. Ask about background, relationships, past experiences that may have contributed to the problem now, what are the triggers, how do they feel about this issue or this person, why do they think they feel/think this way. It's important for the person to come to their own revelation of their feelings. Ask them how they think this problem came about and what they think they should do about it. Prompting them with these questions will get them to be more active in solving the problem. It encourages them to look at things more objectively.
  
• be firmly grounded. There have been a few times where hearing about people's problems makes me upset myself. Therefore, it's important to very stable yourself before you throw yourself into these kind of things. And by stable I don't mean you need to be perfect and without problems, I mean you need to have your own safety net and friends that will encourage you and uplift you. And most importantly you need to be grounded in God.
  
• confidentiality. For my view on this, see the post entitled 'private and confidential'. Confidentiality and trust are of paramount importance. However, some issues may require senior, more professional advice from experienced persons.
  
• make it clear that you are not the solution. Of course you're not the solution, you're the agent for the solution. You're sort of like the channel, in a way. My analogies really suck. My point is, counselling someone tends to lead to a very adhesive emotional attachement. (And for this reason, counselling the opposite gender is strongly discouraged). You become that person's one and only. And that is BAD. They turn to you for everything, they fully depend on you. But you're only human and the smallest mistake you make may crush them. Point them towards God-dependency, not man-dependency. Now I'm not saying that if a girl has a problem and you're a guy then you have to walk away in the opposite direction as fast as you can. That would be mean. Just be careful of the signals that you're sending or that she may be sending and try not to spend alone time with her, invite another girl to come along.
  

I hope this has been helpful. This is definitely not professional advice as I am not a professional in anything, really. If something I've said disagrees with you, think about it, ask someone. Obviously each case is different and something that may work with someone may not work for someone else. But above all, love them.

Jasoon.

My purple duck friend!! <= purple

Jason, you're one of the funniest people I know. Sometimes I don't think you even realise it; sometimes you're just so random. Like the time at supper in Box Hill when you were telling us about your aunty with the 'unfortunate name' as JerP put it. I don't even remember what the name was but I remember that it was indeed unfortunate. And I remember not being able to breathe because I was laughing so hard as you mimicked your mum talking to her on the phone. What was the name again? Some awkward coagulation of consanants beginning with G and ending with K, if I remember correctly...

Jason, you have a true heart for worship. You've been doing a really good job at worship leading and you take it seriously, not just as some set of 'holy' songs. You've really grown as a worship leader. I think most of us start out concentrating on just trying to do the signals and coordinate that with singing the right notes but now I really believe that you are well past that stage and you've developed into a worship leader, not just a song leader.

Some things about you just baffle me. Like all the times you've talked to me about how things were going wrong, the things you were struggling with and yet you always ended the conversation with how you trust God and you know that all things will work out because He's in control and you'll just keep worshiping through it all. Things like that really amaze me because I myself tend to just turn into some self-centred hermit when troubles come my way. So hearing you say these things encourages me. Keep it up! Another thing you've taught me and that I really admire is your humility and your ability to ask for help when you need it. I have never seen even a glimpse of pride or arrogance in you at youth (though I'm pretty sure you're not perfect - none of us are :p) but my point is that pride isn't a major issue with you as it is with some others.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my Master Uguay-ong for teaching me soccer skills like feinting and giving me tips like, 'it's important to be confident so find something that you like doing', and this led us to sing a midnight rendition of Twinkle Twinkle in the single-digit degree temperatures of Albury during MYC. And then we ate biscuits. So thankyou for taking me under your wing as JaneLee-kenobi.

Jasoon purple duck, you are such an important part of Impact. Though we may tease and poke fun at you (as well as just poke you in general) we all love you so so much! And we would definitely all notice and miss you terribly if you broke your leg and weren't able to come on Friday nights. So moral of the story is, don't break your leg. Arm is okay.

Rechil

I can't even BEGIN to explain how proud I am of this girl! I have known Rachel for as long as I can remember because our parents are friends from the Stone Age. I've seen her grow exponentially as Christian in the past few years and I am SO PRIVILEGED to have been able to watch her and walk beside her.

Rachel, you are amazing, really you are. I've said most of this to you before in some form or another but I'm going to say it again here so that everyone can read it and know just how awesome you are! Your heart to serve is such a blessing to everyone around you, especially at IMPACT. You've been doing a great job at making the birthday cards and you're very organised with it as well, doing your best to make sure they get signed and are given to the person on time. Also with supper duty, you've been very organised and faithful with that as well.
I see how you look after people and how you are so good at following up on them and keeping in touch. I know sometimes you worry that you aren't doing enough, but believe me, what you do to keep in contact with people is at least ten times mroe than the average person.
I truly believe that as you live your life for God, people will and can already see that there's something different about you. You do have a heart for people and you notice them. And not only do you notice them, you love them and you go out of your way to talk to them and spend time with them. I know I'm older than you and all, but watching you love others really does motivate me to want to look after people more as well.
You've been doing an amazing job with kids' church. From what I remember, you stepped up to help out with it only because there wasn't anyone else, but that's what makes it extra special. I think you went a little bit out of your comfort zone but you've really done so well with it and you've made a lasting impression on the kiddies just by loving them and taking the time and energy to be involved in their lives. I'm so proud of you!!
You just have such a heart and a willingness to serve in the church and outside as well (like Mustard - I'm so excited for that!!) that it really shines through. The Kingdom of God needs more people like you. People who see the needs around them and who step up to meet those needs. That's what a true leader does. You're also very teachable (though I remember a time once when you weren't :p) and I love how you ask questions to find out more or to be able to answer someone else's questions.

It's really been an amazing privilege to be your friend and to watch you grow and become involved in ministry. I know this is such a cliche phrase, but you have SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I really believe you are well on your well to reaching it :D :D

You are my boo.

vertically challenged.

It's no secret that my height borders on the lower end of the scale. And I'm certainly not oblivious to the fact, as I'm constantly reminded by all my friends everywhere I go. I never really had a problem with my size; being small has its benefits (for example, a smaller target for snipers). But now I'm 19 years old, approximately 153cm tall, and in second year uni, surrounded by friends who (needless to say) are all taller than me and who also think that's funny. Admittedly, sometimes it is funny when they manage to come up with the (very) occasional original joke. But a lot of the time the jokes aren't quite all that witty and I do get tired of trying to laugh at them.

My point is that after a while of being teased and bagged about my size, I do start to wonder if there's something wrong with being small. Firstly, can I say that I myself am most likely guilty of the very thing that I'm complaining about in this post. And the very thing that I'm complaining about is the mindset that there is something wrong with being small. It's not conscious or deliberate as far as I can tell, but it's obvious that there is some sort of subconscious notion that being short is, well, wrong. To prove my point a little, you never hear someone saying, "Look! He's so average height! LOL!!"
Joking, as my eng lang buddies Rachel and Stair will confirm, identifies the social norm. As I've tried to demonstrate in the above example, we don't joke about things that we consider normal - "And he was HETEROSEXUAL!!! HahahaHAAAA!!" Therefore, what we do joke about, tends to be the things we think of as out of the ordinary or socially unacceptable. I don't hear Malaysians born in Malaysia joking about how they squat on the side of the road because that's normal and acceptable for them. For Australians, on the other hand, even Australian born Malaysians, this is a different story.

Can I just say here, I really don't see what's wrong with being small. And if there's nothing wrong with it, why is it so funny? Feel free to explain to me if you have an answer.
It's true that studies have shown that taller people get paid higher on average. But why is that? I think here we have primitive instinct at work, the subconscious idea that greater height is still desirable. May I remind everyone that size no longer determines one's ability to hunt for wilderbeest and other prey, most likely because we don't usually hunt wilderbeest and other prey anymore. In fact, my height is probably more conducive to catching a chicken than yours. So I win. Take THAT, you socially unacceptable tall person!! Height does not affect one's ability to work efficiently (unless one's work is stacking shelves or some other grunt work like that).

One other thing related to height that irks me is how people stereotype even my personality because I'm small. Just because I'm 153cm DOES NOT mean I can't and won't slap you if you annoy me. Just because I'm this size DOES NOT mean you can boss me around and I'll just stand there quietly in submission. Just because you're twice my height doesn't mean you can intimidate me - remember, you towering over me just makes it easier for me to kick you in the groin if you piss me off. Why are people surprised when I'm loud? Does my being small mean I'm meant to be quiet and shy? Well, sorry to disappoint.

I don't expect people to stop bagging me about my height just because I've written this post and I'm not overly upset. Another thing about joking is that you only joke with friends with whom you're comfortable enough. The point I'm trying to get across is that there's an underlying notion that there's something wrong or socially abnormal with being small and people think that I can be pushed around and bullied just because I'm this size. This post is just to try to make people aware of this phenomenon. If you want to call it a phenomenon, you heterosexual, average sized, Caucasian middle-class male. I laugh and mock you.

the shack.

The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. (I think the 'Wm' means William).

This is a really good book. It follows the story of Mackenzie Allen Phillips who loses his youngest daughter, Missy, to a kidnapper/murderer during a family holiday. A police search finds Missy's bloodstained dress in an old abandoned shack in the forest. Missy's body wasn't recovered.
Years later Mackenzie finds a note in his letterbox inviting him to return to the shack. The note is signed by God. So Mack drives back to the shack after much debate with himself and lying to his wife. And there at the shack, Mackenzie meets God.

The book seeks to answer the question 'if God is so good, why do bad things happen?' As Mack spends the weekend with God the Father (in the form of an African American woman named Papa), God the Son (a Middle Eastern man - named Jesus) and God the Holy Spirit (an Asian woman named Sarayu), they answer his questions and help him to understand certain theological truths. And in doing so, help the reader to understand these truths.

Mack looked at her [Papa], looked at the timer, and sighed. "I feel totally lost."
"Then let's see if we can find you in this mess."
Almost as if on cue, a blue jay landed on the kitchen windowsill and began strutting back and forth. ...
"Consider our little friend here," she began. "Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around." She paused to let Mack think about that statement. "You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around."
Mack nodded his head, not so much in full agreement, but more as a signal that at least he understood and was tracking. That seemed simple enough.
"Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you."
There's the rub. He didn't feel particularly loved at the moment.
"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." ... "And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

"So, who is it that I am supposed to judge?"
"God" -she [Wisdom personnified as Sophia] paused- "and the human race." ...
Mack was dumbfounded. "You have got to be kidding!" he exclaimed.
"Why not? Surely there are many people in your world you think deserve judgement. There must be at least a few who are to blame for so much of the pain and suffering. What about the greedy who feed off the poor of the world? what about the ones who sacrifice their young children to war? What about the men who beat their wives, Mackenzie? What about the fathers who beat their sons for no reason but to assauge their own suffering? Don't they deserve judgement, Mackenzie?" ... "What about the man who preys on innocent little girls? What about him, Mackenzie? Is that man guilty? Shouldn't he be judged?"
"Yes!" screamed Mack. "Damn him to hell!"
"Is he to blame for your loss?"
"Yes!"
"What about his father, the man who twisted his son into a terror, what about him?
"Yes, him too!"
"How far do we go back, Mackenzie? ... what about God? God started this whole thing. Is God to blame?" ... She continued, "Isn't that your just complaint, Mackenzie? That God has failed you, that he failed Missy? That before the creation, God kenw that one day your Missy woudl be brutalised, and still he created?... Isn't God to blame, Mackenzie?"
Mack was looking at the floor, a flurry of images pulling his emotions in every direction. Finally he said it, louder than he intended, and pointed his finger right at her: "Yes! God is to blame!" The accusation hung in the room as the gavel fell in his heart.
"Then," she said with finality, "if you are able to judge God so easily, you certainly can judge the world." ... "You must choose two of your children to spend eternity in God's new heavens and new earth, but only two." [Mack has 4 children plus Missy].
"What?" he erupted, turning to her in disbelief.
"And you must choose three of your children to spend eternity in hell."
...
"I can't do this," he said softly.
"You must," she replied.
"I can't do this," he said louder and more vehemently.
"You must," she said again, her voice softer.
"I...will...not...do...this!" Mack yelled, his blood boiling hot inside him.
"You must," she whispered.
"I can't. I can't. I won't!" he screamed, and now the words and emotions came tumbling out. ... "Could I go instead? If you need someone to torture for eternity, I'll go in their place. Would that work? Could I do that?" He fell at her feet, crying and begging now. "Please let me go for my children. Please, I would be happy to... Please, I am begging you. Please...please..."
"Mackenzie, Mackenzie," she whispered. ... "Now you sound like Jesus. You have judged well, Mackenzie. I am so proud of you!"
"But I haven't judged anything," Mack offered in confusion.
"Oh, but you have. You have judged them worthy of love, even if it costs you everything. That is how Jesus loves."

I have the book if anyone wants to borrow it. It contains a lot more eye-opening conversations.

Above The Water

This was written on 26/05/07. Hope you like it.

Verse 1
Tell me why I'm still standing here
I've been slipping away for so long
Surely I should have been gone by now

Chorus
But it's You who holds me high
It's You who keeps me anchored to this life
It's You who holds my head above the water

Verse 2
So many times I thought I'd breathed my last
The air is too thin down here
As the icy water drowns me, it feels like the end

Verse 3
I cried out for You to save me
But at the same time tried to swim away
Too late I realised I was sinking

Bridge
Darkness consumed me, I couldn't breathe
But through the pain I saw You walk across the raging ocean
And You held my head above the water

private and confidential.

At what point is it acceptable to break confidentiality? And since confidentiality and trust are so intertwined, at what point is it acceptable to break trust?

Confidentiality is really important to me, for some unknown reason. Maybe because I've had so many problems with it in the (relatively) recent past. And for some other unknown reason, all the issues with breaking trust and confidentiality that I've had have been with leaders at my church/youth. Why is that? I guess it's because I trusted them enough to share with them, trust that may/may not have been sorely misplaced. And I suppose that's the question - to what extent is it reasonable to keep someone's secrets that they've entrusted to you? And after they've broken that trust, is it unreasonable or considered unforgiving to never ever trust them again?

For a more lighthearted example, in year 5, I had a crush on a boy the year above me in our composite 5/6 class. So I told my best friend that I liked him. To set the scene a bit, me and this friend were inseparable. Our teachers always got us confused (apparently we looked the same), I was Tweedle Dee and she was Tweedle Dum. Or maybe I was Tweedle Dum and she was Tweedle Dee, I don't remember. The point is, we were best best friends.
I don't know how much time passed between then, but one day I found out that she had told one of the girls that he hung out with, and it was a bit of a joke in their circle. It's a horrible feeling, realising that your secrets have been leaked. I didn't talk to that friend for a while, just sort of sat by myself during lunch, or hung out with other grade 5 girls.
I don't think the rift took too long to heal, though. We're still pretty good friends now though we don't get to hang out as much because we go to different universities. And it was a somewhat petty matter (though not petty at the time).

For a less lighthearted and more recent example, a few years ago I shared with my youth leader something that I was struggling with. That sort of set off a whole cascade of messed up-ness. He told another youth leader, and then an older girl at church who was supposed to follow up on me (she didn't), told the pastor, they both told my parents (incidentally on the same day he said he wouldn't tell them). There was just a lot of telling behind my back. And it was only after a lot of lying on the part of the teller did I finally find out that it had been told. Recently found out that there has still been some telling going on, again within the youth leadership. Not sure who my parents have told. Not really sure who knows at all now. (I know it sounds like the issue is really serious - it's not). But the principle (and question) remains - to break trust and confidentiality, or not to break trust and confidentiality?

In light of the revelation of the recent tellings, I'm not really sure how to respond. On one hand I sort of feel a bit angry that I've been stripped of my privacy and my right to tell only the people I want to know. On the other hand I know that people didn't tell others out of malicious intent but I do wish that the church leadership could learn to keep confidentiality. I do have issues with trust now. I'm tired of sharing with certain people, then suddenly everyone else knows. It's not necessary that so many people know just for the sake of knowing. When I tell someone what's happening or what I'm struggling with, either it's because I'm asking for help, or I'm trying to help them (like if I'm trying to empathise with someone or give advice). I'm not asking for them to pass the information around to people they think could help or people they think should know. I'd like to hang on to my right to share my own secrets rather than have others share them for me.
Sounds like I've decided to be angry, doesn't it.

Obviously there must be some limit to confidentiality. If you have a friend who has told you of plans to murder someone, please do tell.
I think in some cases it boils down to the rights of the person to act on their own will. If your friend tells you she's going to elope with someone, I don't think it's acceptable to tell her parents. Her choices are her choices, it's not your responsibility to mess things up for her. I guess it could be argued that it's her parents' right to know. But it's also her right to carry out her own decisions. And I suppose it's also her right to run away with this guy. Gah! It's so complicated.
But I'm also sure that we don't care for someone for no reason. I guess when you care for someone and they're about to/are doing something wrong, there's an urge to intervene. That urge must be there for a reason. Does that mean that our innate, God-given sense of morality makes it acceptable to break confidentiality every once in a while? Has postmodernism and 'enlightened' thinking warped our morality? Think of all the rights we now fight for - euthanasia, abortion, homosexual marriage... Even the church itself is divided on these issues. But at what point does the argument of 'rights' become irrelevant because our morality has found solid ground on certain issues? Do we only stop at paedophilia and civillian casualities? Or do we hold fast to values and ethics that are now considered 'old fashioned'. Where did those values come from anyway? God. And why did we start with those values, rather than begin with the right of same-sex marriage and then progress to condemning it? Because God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, and now the world has warped us. On the other hand, I don't think anyone disagrees with the development of women's rights. It's all very confusing. I'm not a sociologist. Or a historian. Or even an optometrist.

Anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked. The point of this blog entry is confidentiality. And to be honest, I'm still divided on the issue of where the boundaries lie with it.
I guess I can only conclude that it's not a pleasant feeling to know that you shared something with someone you trusted, but they broke your trust and told other people for whatever reason. In a lot of situations the reason doesn't remedy the act. I still would find it difficult to trust that person. Personally I don't think it's unreasonable to forever distrust that person with any further secrets. ('Secrets' is such a dramatic word but I can't think of anything else). But forgiveness is something else entirely. I may not trust that person anymore, but I don't wish them any ill-will, I don't hate them, I would help them if they needed it. I just don't trust them.
Maybe something that would help (would have helped for me), would be to get permission from the person before telling others. If you're concerned for the person and feel like you need to tell someone else, talk to them first about it (can I stress the first). Perhaps a solution can be reached before you need to break confidentiality. Perhaps it would be a whole lot better and would 'soften the blow', so to speak, for you to explain why you need to tell someone and you're not doing it just because you can't shut up.

So despite this lengthy entry, the line remains blurred as to when it is or isn't acceptable to break trust and confidentiality. For me, confidentiality is v. important. But I guess for others, not so much.

Where Are We Now

Here's my Father's Day song. Trying to find time to record it properly but til then, here are the lyrics, should anyone wish for them... kaPOOF! Here they are. Thanks to all those who said encouragifying things when I sang it at church; it gathered a somewhat unexpected response. Thanks most of all to GOD who helped me write it and sing it without crying. Though the writing part was accompanied by much crying.

Verse 1
We've had our ups and downs
Our moments in the clouds
Words exchanged that we didn't mean
Where are we now?

Verse 2
From birth to teenage years
Seen my laughter, seen my tears
Misunderstandings and happy endings
Where are we now?

Pre
I know I haven't always been the daughter I should be
But there's something you should know
A confession to you from me

Chorus
Daddy, I love you
Can't always show it, don't always say it
But I do
Daddy, I love you
Daddy, I love you
We're both not perfect, works incomplete
But it's true
Daddy, I love you

Verse 3
Must be hard behind the scenes
Food, clothes, house, and school fees
My first steps then teenage rebellion
But look how far we've come

Verse 4
One day your little girl
Will be all grown up
We look back to this day
Where are we now?

leader.

This has been playing on my mind for a while now. What makes a good (Christian) leader? There's enough material on this subject to write hundreds of books on leadership (as evidenced by the hundreds of books on leadership available) but the following is a mix of what I've read on leadership, what I've seen in leaders I respect, and what I've learnt from leaders that I struggle to respect. I'm obviously no authority on leadership by any stretch of the imagination, but here are my thoughts. And here I will also take the liberty (granted by Jessica Smith) to demand and expect more from my leaders :P

One my pet hates is hypocrisy. Worst thing is that I've probably been guilty of it myself too many times to count. (I'm working on it). But here's the thing - I cannot respect a hypocritical leader. How dare you tell me to love others yet I see you treating other people like they're worth nothing? Integrity, to me, is one of the most important characteristics in a leader. I struggle to respect and follow a 'leader' who tells me to do one thing, yet I see them doing the exact opposite. I encountered this most unfortunate flaw in one of my youth leaders several years ago. Her instruction to wear skirts/shorts no higher than the knee to church or youth because it was inappropriate and may cause the boys to ...think impure thoughts, was completely blown to pieces when she turned up to youth in short shorts, and to a church Christmas function in a tiny little dress. I've also had issues with being warned not to gossip and to speak to HER if I had any issues about what she had said to me previously, only to hear about that very person throwing a tantrum behind my back about what I had said to HER previously. (Incidentally, it was the same leader).
A leader needs to have the highest possible standard of integrity. Not only because of how much you mess up your followers when you fail to practise what you preach, but because God Himself holds you to a higher standard. Mark 9:42 says, "If anyone causes one of these little ones - those who believe in me - to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea." People will NOT follow or respect a leader who says one thing but does another.

Another very important trait of a Christian leader is the ability to be a shepherd and exercise pastoral care. Jesus tells Peter in John 21:17, "Feed my sheep." With the world and the church in the state they are now, we need more than ever to LOVE each other enough to not pass by a broken heart. I've been told that sheep are very dumb animals, unable to fend for themselves, vulnerable at the best of times. Obviously humans aren't this dumb, but we need strong leaders that love us, are able to build relationships with us, are able to hold us accountable, and able to communicate effectively. A few of the leaders in my life that have hurt me, possibly the most, are those who knew I was struggling with something, yet did nothing about it. It can be so damaging to someone's self worth if a leader who is meant to take care of them, knows they're hurting, yet pretends like nothing is happening. It was certainly damaging to mine. Am I not important enough for them to want to help me? Is something wrong with me? It's possible they were praying for me, and yes, prayer changes things, but it would have been so much easier for me to overcome my battles if they were actually there with me, asking how I was going, being available for me to talk to when I needed. The leaders I respect now are those that take a genuine interest in my life and my struggles, even the things I don't struggle with (like study). Jessica Smith said that 'shepherds always smell of sheep'. A leader needs to be involved in the lives of their people, having meaningful relationships with them, being supportive and encouraging always.

On that note of building relationships, I know that it's not going to be as easy to build a deep and meaningful relationship with one person as it is with another. Personality differences, distrust and guardedness, underlying issues can make it difficult to get close enough to someone to pastor them. I suppose if personality clashes are an issue, pass them on to another leader if possible. But I think that the best way to break down someone's walls is to love them. In the interests of keeping this blog entry under thesis proportions, I'll not harp on about love here. But it's so important that a leader love his/her 'sheep'. Bram Manusama says that a leader is not fit to lead a people he doesn't love. So I suppose if you don't genuienly love me (and show it), then don't assume that when you look behind I'll be following you. I don't know how else to say it. A leader needs to love their people.
This also leads into the concept of servant leadership, the prime example being Jesus himself. In John 13, Jesus washes his disciples' feet. All throughout the gospels we read of Jesus performing miracles, which can be considered as a service to the broken and needy around him. A leader sees the needs of the people and rises up to meet the need (within limits, of course. It would be somewhat unreasonable to expect your leader to buy you a house).

This entry is getting rather lengthy; I think I'll stop here. There's definitely more to say about this subject but I'll save it for another day.

albert latte

Albert. Here's one especially for you.

You inspire me with your honesty and openness. We've had some pretty deep and meaningful conversations, usually about religion and philosophical issues. You're not afraid to ask questions (though sometimes you say you are, you always end up asking them anyway) - and then I try my best to answer them. You're willing to accept a opposing point of view when it makes sense to you, but you're also not afraid to speak out when it still doesn't make sense to you or you disagree with it.
You inspire me because you're so grounded and down to earth. You're humble enough to admit when you don't know something or when you're wrong. Your apologies are always genuine (though unfortunately it usually doesn't stop you from doing the same thing the next day).

There. I expect a nice present the next time I see you.

inspire.

I was thinking recently about how pointless a eulogy actually is. (For those who don't know what a eulogy is, or as Zoolander says, 'a eugoogly', it's a little speech at someone's funeral saying what an awesome person they were). Perhaps a eulogy makes others feel better, and I'm sure it does. But wouldn't it be amazing if we could say those things to the actual person before they passed away?
At IMPACT youth we have discussed a few times about how we don't affirm and encourage each other enough. At Melbourne Life Christian Church they encourage each other in front of the entire church, on stage - "Hey everyone, didn't Lauren do a wonderful job this morning?" Affirmation is a powerful thing - it can totally change someone's day around. It's both curative and preventative for a wounded heart. Obviously it needs to be said with genuineness and it's not a failsafe treatment. But imagine a young girl, told everyday that she's beautiful. Doesn't it make sense that she's less likely to develop an eating disorder later in life? Or a husband told by his wife that she thinks he's an amazing man and that she trusts him to provide - isn't he less likely to turn to alcohol or gambling (or other women) because he feels inadequate and insufficient for her?
So I begin here, before it's too late for me to tell you what I really think of you. Pre eulogy. This is what a wonderful person I think you are. Not were. This is real and this is honest, in no particular order. Those I don't mention, don't be sad. I may have just not thought of it at the moment. Or maybe you're just too inspiring for words. Or maybe you just don't inspire me :P

+Rachel, you inspire me to study the Bible more. You tell me about how you read something the other day and you want to understand it better, and it makes me want to read the Bible more often because firstly, I should be doing that anyway, and secondly, so that I can answer your questions. You inspire me to be creative.
+Carlson, you inspire me to reach out to nonChristians. You're so passionate about what you believe in and you always depend on God to give you the words to say when you need to say it.
+Jem, you inspire me to keep worshiping and praising even when things are going horribly wrong and when I don't feel like I can. You inspire me to put people first.
+Peebee, you inspire me to look after other people. And to want to talk more to others, check up on them, and keep them accountable. You inspire me to be honest and open. Thanks for being such a wonderful, genuine friend and leader.
+Sarahpea, you inspire me to look after other people as well. I see how you take care of the younger girls at youth, and you do an awesome job at it.
+Brybry, you inspire me to be more patient and slower to anger. I have never ever seen you angry or impatient with anyone, even if they're being difficult. You're always smiling and gentle.
+Ashley, you inspire me to be a passionate worshiper and to trust God at all times.
+JonT, you inspire me to be more easygoing and to look after others. Thanks for the times you've called to check up on me.
+Ida, you inspire me to cook. Unfortunately this is one inspiration that will only ever come to fruition should I have no money, can't steal any, and the house is empty of all microwaveable food and pizza shapes.
+JackjackYao, you inspire me to care for others more. I know how you feel when people say you're so nice, but I do see something in you, how you are capable of caring for those around you, and it amazes me. Thanks for looking after me the past one and a half years.
+Robbie and Alby, you inspire me to study harder, only so I can answer your questions when you start panicking the night before the exam.
+those who have hurt me, you inspire me to never want to do to anyone what you did to me, because I never want to be the one who made someone cry like you made me cry.
+Jesus, you inspire me to live and love.

Disclaimer

Ok. So. Here begins the beginning of a blog.

This is my space for my thoughts, uncensored. I would like to apologise in advance for anything I might say that offends you. I'm not deliberately trying to offend you and I'm not going to use this blog to insult people. But these are my honest thoughts and opinions. If you do get upset, you can talk to me or email me. If I hear that you're upset and you've been gossiping behind my back about it, be assured I will hunt you down (to talk).
If you're liable to feel insulted, don't read this blog. You have been warned.

Feel free to disagree with what I say - maybe we can start a discussion or sorts.

Any comments containing expletives, coarse language, or otherwise unwholesome talk, will be deleted.

And finally, so that no one gets shocked about what I write, I am Christian.