counselling 101

I'm not a counsellor. Never have been, but I have counselled people before in a very nonprofessional, fumbling for words kind of way. Most of what I'm going to write here is common sense, personal experience, and what I've learnt from Manifest rally. The rest of it that isn't common sense, personal experience, or what I've learnt from Manifest rally is just nonsense and you would do well to ignore it :)

• the key to bringing someone out of their struggles is to love them out. People aren't stupid (though we all know stupidity comes in varying degrees), most of them can tell when you're being genuine and you really love them, and when you're just putting on a show or doing something out of duty. When you have no idea what to say and the person is sobbing into your shoulder, just tell them honestly that you love them. I guarantee you they'll start crying harder (but a good sort of crying now). It makes a world of difference when you're at rock bottom and someone tells you they love you and they genuinely care and want to be there for you even when they have no clue what they're doing.
• consistently and regularly follow up on them. (This is one of my own ideas). I don't think there's much point in a one-off heart-to-heart then they never hear from you again. It would be a manifestation of your love and heart towards them if you made the effort to call or sms them, even meet up with them in person. I've had too many experiences in my time where I've heard "I want to help you and be there for you." And then I never hear from them again and I'm like, "err...what just happened? Did I do something wrong?" Let me tell you now, it DOES NOT help to start counselling someone then not follow up on it. In fact, it may make things worse because the person may end up feeling like they're not worth helping or loving. It's so important to continue to walk with them until they break through.
• listen carefully to them. Empathise and sympathise with them. Validate their feelings. I've found it can be very comforting just to talk it all out to someone who will just listen and not judge or condemn me. I've also found that from listening you may be able to pick out details that will enable you to better help them. Listening will help you to root out the issues. For example, if you're counselling someone for depression and you notice they talk obsessively about food and what they ate that day, that may be a sign of a developing eating disorder (and eating disorders often accompany clinical depression), which should be addressed sooner rather than later. Another scenario is that by listening closely to someone, you may realise that the problem you're counselling them for isn't the actual problem. Perhaps they just want attention (and that's not a joke). But then why do they want attention - this may have deeper issues that need to be rooted out. Perhaps they were neglected as a kid, and had some overachieving older sibling. Or a needy, bratty, little younger sibling.
  
• ask questions. Of course this needs to be done with sensitivity. Some questions may be in touchy areas or dredge up distressing memories that needn't be brought up at that moment. On the other hand sometimes the person may just need to be confronted in order to get it out. Ask about background, relationships, past experiences that may have contributed to the problem now, what are the triggers, how do they feel about this issue or this person, why do they think they feel/think this way. It's important for the person to come to their own revelation of their feelings. Ask them how they think this problem came about and what they think they should do about it. Prompting them with these questions will get them to be more active in solving the problem. It encourages them to look at things more objectively.
  
• be firmly grounded. There have been a few times where hearing about people's problems makes me upset myself. Therefore, it's important to very stable yourself before you throw yourself into these kind of things. And by stable I don't mean you need to be perfect and without problems, I mean you need to have your own safety net and friends that will encourage you and uplift you. And most importantly you need to be grounded in God.
  
• confidentiality. For my view on this, see the post entitled 'private and confidential'. Confidentiality and trust are of paramount importance. However, some issues may require senior, more professional advice from experienced persons.
  
• make it clear that you are not the solution. Of course you're not the solution, you're the agent for the solution. You're sort of like the channel, in a way. My analogies really suck. My point is, counselling someone tends to lead to a very adhesive emotional attachement. (And for this reason, counselling the opposite gender is strongly discouraged). You become that person's one and only. And that is BAD. They turn to you for everything, they fully depend on you. But you're only human and the smallest mistake you make may crush them. Point them towards God-dependency, not man-dependency. Now I'm not saying that if a girl has a problem and you're a guy then you have to walk away in the opposite direction as fast as you can. That would be mean. Just be careful of the signals that you're sending or that she may be sending and try not to spend alone time with her, invite another girl to come along.
  

I hope this has been helpful. This is definitely not professional advice as I am not a professional in anything, really. If something I've said disagrees with you, think about it, ask someone. Obviously each case is different and something that may work with someone may not work for someone else. But above all, love them.

Jasoon.

My purple duck friend!! <= purple

Jason, you're one of the funniest people I know. Sometimes I don't think you even realise it; sometimes you're just so random. Like the time at supper in Box Hill when you were telling us about your aunty with the 'unfortunate name' as JerP put it. I don't even remember what the name was but I remember that it was indeed unfortunate. And I remember not being able to breathe because I was laughing so hard as you mimicked your mum talking to her on the phone. What was the name again? Some awkward coagulation of consanants beginning with G and ending with K, if I remember correctly...

Jason, you have a true heart for worship. You've been doing a really good job at worship leading and you take it seriously, not just as some set of 'holy' songs. You've really grown as a worship leader. I think most of us start out concentrating on just trying to do the signals and coordinate that with singing the right notes but now I really believe that you are well past that stage and you've developed into a worship leader, not just a song leader.

Some things about you just baffle me. Like all the times you've talked to me about how things were going wrong, the things you were struggling with and yet you always ended the conversation with how you trust God and you know that all things will work out because He's in control and you'll just keep worshiping through it all. Things like that really amaze me because I myself tend to just turn into some self-centred hermit when troubles come my way. So hearing you say these things encourages me. Keep it up! Another thing you've taught me and that I really admire is your humility and your ability to ask for help when you need it. I have never seen even a glimpse of pride or arrogance in you at youth (though I'm pretty sure you're not perfect - none of us are :p) but my point is that pride isn't a major issue with you as it is with some others.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my Master Uguay-ong for teaching me soccer skills like feinting and giving me tips like, 'it's important to be confident so find something that you like doing', and this led us to sing a midnight rendition of Twinkle Twinkle in the single-digit degree temperatures of Albury during MYC. And then we ate biscuits. So thankyou for taking me under your wing as JaneLee-kenobi.

Jasoon purple duck, you are such an important part of Impact. Though we may tease and poke fun at you (as well as just poke you in general) we all love you so so much! And we would definitely all notice and miss you terribly if you broke your leg and weren't able to come on Friday nights. So moral of the story is, don't break your leg. Arm is okay.

Rechil

I can't even BEGIN to explain how proud I am of this girl! I have known Rachel for as long as I can remember because our parents are friends from the Stone Age. I've seen her grow exponentially as Christian in the past few years and I am SO PRIVILEGED to have been able to watch her and walk beside her.

Rachel, you are amazing, really you are. I've said most of this to you before in some form or another but I'm going to say it again here so that everyone can read it and know just how awesome you are! Your heart to serve is such a blessing to everyone around you, especially at IMPACT. You've been doing a great job at making the birthday cards and you're very organised with it as well, doing your best to make sure they get signed and are given to the person on time. Also with supper duty, you've been very organised and faithful with that as well.
I see how you look after people and how you are so good at following up on them and keeping in touch. I know sometimes you worry that you aren't doing enough, but believe me, what you do to keep in contact with people is at least ten times mroe than the average person.
I truly believe that as you live your life for God, people will and can already see that there's something different about you. You do have a heart for people and you notice them. And not only do you notice them, you love them and you go out of your way to talk to them and spend time with them. I know I'm older than you and all, but watching you love others really does motivate me to want to look after people more as well.
You've been doing an amazing job with kids' church. From what I remember, you stepped up to help out with it only because there wasn't anyone else, but that's what makes it extra special. I think you went a little bit out of your comfort zone but you've really done so well with it and you've made a lasting impression on the kiddies just by loving them and taking the time and energy to be involved in their lives. I'm so proud of you!!
You just have such a heart and a willingness to serve in the church and outside as well (like Mustard - I'm so excited for that!!) that it really shines through. The Kingdom of God needs more people like you. People who see the needs around them and who step up to meet those needs. That's what a true leader does. You're also very teachable (though I remember a time once when you weren't :p) and I love how you ask questions to find out more or to be able to answer someone else's questions.

It's really been an amazing privilege to be your friend and to watch you grow and become involved in ministry. I know this is such a cliche phrase, but you have SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I really believe you are well on your well to reaching it :D :D

You are my boo.

vertically challenged.

It's no secret that my height borders on the lower end of the scale. And I'm certainly not oblivious to the fact, as I'm constantly reminded by all my friends everywhere I go. I never really had a problem with my size; being small has its benefits (for example, a smaller target for snipers). But now I'm 19 years old, approximately 153cm tall, and in second year uni, surrounded by friends who (needless to say) are all taller than me and who also think that's funny. Admittedly, sometimes it is funny when they manage to come up with the (very) occasional original joke. But a lot of the time the jokes aren't quite all that witty and I do get tired of trying to laugh at them.

My point is that after a while of being teased and bagged about my size, I do start to wonder if there's something wrong with being small. Firstly, can I say that I myself am most likely guilty of the very thing that I'm complaining about in this post. And the very thing that I'm complaining about is the mindset that there is something wrong with being small. It's not conscious or deliberate as far as I can tell, but it's obvious that there is some sort of subconscious notion that being short is, well, wrong. To prove my point a little, you never hear someone saying, "Look! He's so average height! LOL!!"
Joking, as my eng lang buddies Rachel and Stair will confirm, identifies the social norm. As I've tried to demonstrate in the above example, we don't joke about things that we consider normal - "And he was HETEROSEXUAL!!! HahahaHAAAA!!" Therefore, what we do joke about, tends to be the things we think of as out of the ordinary or socially unacceptable. I don't hear Malaysians born in Malaysia joking about how they squat on the side of the road because that's normal and acceptable for them. For Australians, on the other hand, even Australian born Malaysians, this is a different story.

Can I just say here, I really don't see what's wrong with being small. And if there's nothing wrong with it, why is it so funny? Feel free to explain to me if you have an answer.
It's true that studies have shown that taller people get paid higher on average. But why is that? I think here we have primitive instinct at work, the subconscious idea that greater height is still desirable. May I remind everyone that size no longer determines one's ability to hunt for wilderbeest and other prey, most likely because we don't usually hunt wilderbeest and other prey anymore. In fact, my height is probably more conducive to catching a chicken than yours. So I win. Take THAT, you socially unacceptable tall person!! Height does not affect one's ability to work efficiently (unless one's work is stacking shelves or some other grunt work like that).

One other thing related to height that irks me is how people stereotype even my personality because I'm small. Just because I'm 153cm DOES NOT mean I can't and won't slap you if you annoy me. Just because I'm this size DOES NOT mean you can boss me around and I'll just stand there quietly in submission. Just because you're twice my height doesn't mean you can intimidate me - remember, you towering over me just makes it easier for me to kick you in the groin if you piss me off. Why are people surprised when I'm loud? Does my being small mean I'm meant to be quiet and shy? Well, sorry to disappoint.

I don't expect people to stop bagging me about my height just because I've written this post and I'm not overly upset. Another thing about joking is that you only joke with friends with whom you're comfortable enough. The point I'm trying to get across is that there's an underlying notion that there's something wrong or socially abnormal with being small and people think that I can be pushed around and bullied just because I'm this size. This post is just to try to make people aware of this phenomenon. If you want to call it a phenomenon, you heterosexual, average sized, Caucasian middle-class male. I laugh and mock you.